My Best Defense
by TwistedLikeMe
Summary: I honestly didn't want it to happen. I had never thought about doing it, I truly hadn't. I had gotten so into the moment; the way I could think of a million, trillion songs to go along to it. I guess I didn't mean to do it. Or maybe I did, I don't know.


_Thinking of something blue  
Much like the rain that washed away my final memory of you  
And we are gathered here today in celebration of impending fate  
Let the jury have their way  
As callused knuckles cross my face_

Lets just say I didn't die from a bump on the head. Or something petty, like a suicide caused by my boyfriend breaking up with me. My life was a whole bunch of foolish decisions, wrong turns, and some oh-so-right mistakes.

No one knew what the real trouble was. Not my best friends, my brothers, my parents, my cousins (even though there were oh-so-many of them), and not even him. But I guess things happen right? That's what people tell me…Well, damn right, things happen. But its not really like they know whats happening. What really happened that night. What really happened my _whole fucking life._

But how would they? It's not like anyone really, really truly, cared. After all, as long as all that bad shit wasn't in their life it doesn't matter. I thought the same thing. Up until that night, of course.

_The stars are out  
Scattered dimples in a cloudless sky  
And I remember all the flashing lights and how they lit your lifeless eyes_

I remember the way your hair flopped in front of your eyes. I remember thinking, "_Oh hey, his hair has a bit of brown in it_" like that really mattered. I also remember the way you looked at me. You looked at me like you loved me. But that was all a lie, a really (_really really_) well-planned lie. It was like a movie, our romance. No, like a play! I know its cliché, but it was almost exactly like Romeo & Juliet. Except for well…You know.

I also remember the last thing I ever said. I remember the way your arms were outstretched, as if to push someone. I remember saying, "let me make this easier for you." Or maybe I didn't say it, maybe I thought it. I don't know.

I also remember the pain. The cold. And the regret.

_Now the harbors sounding out  
And I am calling out but please don't push me in  
But please don't push me in_

People had been screaming. Or maybe it was just one person, I don't know. Honestly, I wasn't paying attention. I was, however, paying attention to the way the moon was shining really bright that night. I know its stupid, and that I probably should have been replaying my life over in my head. But I didn't. I didn't have anything to replay.

I was paying attention to the way the moon wavered in the darkness. I was paying attention to the way my hair swirled up and tendrils of it brushed against my face. I remember thinking that my hair looked blood red when in reality it was a softer, lighter shade.

See, that was my life. In my dying moments I thought about the moon and my hair. And not even once did I think about you. I remember that now.

_Dear friends  
I am writing this in my defense  
I never meant for this to happen  
Never saw the broken glass I swear  
Dear friends  
I am writing this in my defense  
I never meant for this to happen_

I honestly didn't want it to happen. I had never thought about doing it, I truly hadn't. I had gotten so into the moment; the way I could think of a million, trillion songs to go along to it. I guess I didn't mean to do it. Or maybe I did, I don't know. I can't think clearly.

The only thing I know for sure is that I'm happy. At least, I am now. I am here with all these people. All these people who know me and like me, just for being me. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not.

But I do miss a lot of people. Even you.

_Zip ties and fiber choking me  
These ropes biting at my feet  
Eyes wandering  
And I'm wondering is this really happening to me?  
Blood between my teeth  
Flows from my mouth to my best jeans_

Why did all this have to happen? To me, I mean. I didn't do anything wrong, except for the couple times I stole my brother's broom or pulled a couple pranks on Albus. But that doesn't mean I deserved the hell that my life was. Or that my life had to end so quickly, so suddenly, that I really had no time to think about it. I don't think I'd wish that fate on anyone, not even Victoire. And god knows I despise Victoire.

_Un-free release  
I'm twenty feet and sinking fast  
And I won't hold my breath  
Let the water fill my lungs  
And I will travel to my death  
Tell my brothers that I am happy  
Tell my mother I won't be visiting  
As I lay my head to rest  
At the bottom of the sea_

I remember falling. It wasn't air rushing by me though, it was water. That I remember the most clearly out of everything. It had been cold – freezing - even. I remember the way I had tried to peel my cloak, my shoes, even my shirt off so I could start to swim.

Because, I remember now. No, I hadn't meant to die. I had meant to survive.

I had wanted people to realize how much they hurt me. And what better way than to fake a suicide? But now I remember the panic. The realization that I wasn't _faking_ anymore. It was really happening, because I hadn't planned the way to get back up. Back up to the sweet, so fucking sweet, air. And now I'm dead. You may not have pushed me, but you did something equally as worse. Or rather, you didn't. No one did.

Yes, now I remember. I remember how you, Scorpius Malfoy, killed me. Lily Luna Potter.

_Dear friends  
I am writing this in my defense  
I never meant for this to happen  
Never saw the broken glass I swear_


End file.
